He "Needs Space"- What It Really Means

Welcome,
Do you know what it means when your boyfriend gets quiet, "zones out" and acts like he doesn't want to talk to you? One minute everything feels great and you're laughing and connecting and the next minute some weird "mood" comes over him and he goes off into his own little world.

Or maybe your relationship is chugging along at full speed, getting closer and closer, and suddenly you feel like YOU are the only one reaching out and connecting...and he is just sitting there? What's up with that? Why do men do this?
If this has ever happened to you, I want you to know that it's critical for you to know why - and what to do about it and what to avoid doing at all costs.

I need you to pay attention here;Because this is important,How you react in a situation like this can mean the difference between him knowing the one woman who can make him happy, or feeling unsure about the future of your relationship.Let me know share a question I recently received from a reader about a situation just like this.
$$$$$$READER'S QUIZ$$$$$

Dear Duken,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost one year and we are very serious about each other. We are even talking about marriage and we have already moved in together.So what's the problem you ask?

Even after all this time, I still find myself trying to figure out what he's thinking sometimes.Sometimes he's a mystery to me, why he does and says some of the things he does, and this scares me a lot and makes me crazy since we are so serious about each other.

For instance, sometimes he just gets quiet and won't talk to me. And it doesn't have to be anything going wrong like a fight or anything for this to happen.He says that he needs his alone time, but I sense that it's because of something I have done that makes him shut down. I'd really like to fix it if I could. I wish I knew how to read these things better or if I even should be reading anything into it at all. Help me out? ...S*

$$$$$ MY COMMENT $$$$$$

I can help you.First of all, I have some good news for you.You can relax.From what I'm hearing about your situation, there is nothing abnormal or wrong with what is happening between you and your boyfriend.

The fact that he's telling you he needs "alone time" doesn't have anything to do with how he feels about you and your "serious" relationship.It has everything to do with how a man approaches relationships, his own "down time" and the "up time" when he is with you.

Many women believe that when a man acts "disengaged" it is because he's not happy, or he's unsatisfied, or he doesn't want to be with you and wants to be with someone else.Not so!As a matter of fact, thinking that there's something wrong with the relationship when a man gets quiet is one of what I call the "Man Myths" that a lot of women believe about men.

The way your boyfriend is behaving is typical and to be expected of a man in a relationship.It doesn't mean something is wrong...for example:Has your guy ever done this? Made plans to spend a night alone with "the guys" after several intense and romantic days with youGo and "zone out" in front of the T.V. or computer after dinner or after a long conversation with you, and acts irritated when you try to interrupt him

Spend huge chunks of time on weekends tinkering around the garage or working on his hobby and not engaged or interested in spending time with you

I'd bet that he's done this more than once and when he does, what do YOU think about what's going through his mind?Do you start wondering if he's angry about something you did or said, or is somehow disapproving of you in some way?

Do you wonder if he cares LESS about you in that moment, or is questioning your relationship? Do you start to talk yourself into feeling, "ok, well he's into his own thing, so I'm going to go off and be into mine."

Or do you think, "well I need to fill my time with other interests since he is OBVIOUSLY not interested in spending his precious time with me."

If you find yourself thinking any of these things, chances are pretty good that you're reacting to him in a way that sends a very negative message - a message that is guaranteed to send him packing or push him away from you.

That's because you're reacting to a myths that you heard somewhere about men - that men really don't care about spending quality, intimate time with women.Ok,I'm a man and I am going to say that again and in all caps because I can!

MEN DO CARE ABOUT SPENDING QUALITY, INTIMATE TIME WITH WOMEN.

What's worse, though, is that by believing the myth that men need alone time because they don't care about you, or would rather not talk because they're disapproving of you in any way is probably causing you to behave in a way that is destructive to your relationship.

Let me explain.You wrote in your email that you feel scared and a little bit crazy when your boyfriend behaves in a way that is a mystery to you.

What if I were to tell you that men have a completely different way of unplugging and decompressing than women do...and that for a man,to spend time alone without talking or having a "deep" conversation is his way of relaxing and getting back some of his mental energy.

And yet you interpret it as meaning that he isn't engaged with you in some way.
The thing is, if you're punishing him in some way for doing things that are actually normal and natural for him as a man, such as needing alone time or time to zone out and decompress, then what you're actually communicating to him is that you don't understand who he is.

And if your man doesn't think that you understand him, then of course he will disengage!You just want him to be exactly like you.But that's not what you really want, is it?
While it's true that there are fundamental differences in men and women, such as the way they decompress and re-energize, it's also true that they have much more in common than you think.

Most women I talk with don't realize that men and women aren't really that different.Look at the list below. Do these sound like myths to you? Actually, they are truths about men and how they feel about relationships.

Men may not admit this readily, but for most men, when they decide that a woman is TRULY the woman for them, it is because she has met these criteria - maybe not all, but definitely most.

She makes him feel cherished.She makes him feel her desire for him, so he never feels unattractive, insignificant or unimportant.He feels safe and secure in the relationship.She makes him spontaneous and fun in a way he hasn't felt like since his youth...and feeling things that can't be planned in a relationship, just like you.
I will talk to ya again soon.Keep on Dating There is someone out there for everyone.Best of luck in life and love!

Five Reasons A Man Falls Out Of Love & Leaves

Welcome,What is going on with your boyfriend when you know he has got strong feelings for you, but he is dragging his feet on committing? There are specific reasons why a man will make the conscious decision to commit to a woman or not.
Those reasons often have little or nothing to do with:a) How long you've been together (b). What everyone else, including you, thinks he "should do" (c). How much you've "invested" in the relationship.

A man will want to commit to you simply because of the way you make him feel.
If he feels that his life will be better with you in it, than without you, he will want to commit to you.But if he is unsure about the future of your relationship because of some lingering doubts in his mind, based on what is happening or not happening in your relationship, then you're already fighting an uphill battle.

Fortunately, there is a way for you to know exactly what to do and say to make sure he is not doubting your relationship. You have the power to make him feel utterly devoted and committed to you.It just takes knowing the secret to what a man is "commitment tempo" is and what it takes for him to want you, and only you, for life.

Well,now let's talk about the reasons why men often leave relationships.

$$$$ Reader's E-mail $$$$

Dukentaxer,
Thanks a lot for being there for us,I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and
a half and we have a great relationship on all levels intellectually, physically, etc.However unfortunately we have been 'head-bashing' over a certain problem that keeps resurfacing in our relationship and now it has literally come to a point where he wants "time out". I have a problem trusting him and want to always control situations. I have constantly been giving him nonsense when he socializes with his female friends, and have an insecurity that he will leave me. It has been very strenuous on him and he actually told me this morning that he wants to be with me but he no longer knows what to do and wants time out of this relationship...

I finally did something right today when speaking to him after reading some of your blog post, I just listened and said that I understood. He said we will discuss it further this evening. I am so lost!!! I don't know what to do to fix this now, and am not sure if this can be "fixable". I Really Love him and he loves me, but it has been carrying on for so long he doesn't want to hear excuses anymore.

Please I need your Help now. What can I do to make this work? I will be forever grateful for your response and save me from this dilemma!
A.Z.

$$$ My Reply $$$$

Well, I'm going to have to lay it on the line for you because you're doing one of the worst things you can do: You're using your Fear and Neediness to justify feeling hurt and pushing your guy away.Imagine if you were to slap yourself silly,
then turn to him and cry and freak out and then blame him for making you do it.
And when he responds by saying, But you just slapped yourself, you go ahead and get even more upset, and act even more emotional, and then wonder, "What did I do to make him doubt our future together? What you're doing has roughly the same effect on your boyfriend as your current thinking and behavior.

Follow me here?

You have to find a way to get this jealousy and fear under control, because no matter how good your relationship with a man might be, or how much reassurance you get from him, it will never be enough for you because your mind will find a way to freak you out.Those negative feelings will keep coming up and driving him away each and every time.

Ask yourself a few important questions:How are all your negative emotions, fears and frustrations affecting the man in your life?

How does it make him think about you, your relationship and future together?

What thoughts and feelings would he share with you if he wasn't afraid of you freaking out?

Take my hint; Being able to listen and understand a man without immediately jumping to conclusions,criticizing or freaking out goes a long way towards creating a strong relationship that meets both your needs.The good news is that your situation isn't hopeless or un-fixable.But there are a few important truths about why men leave relationships with women they really like, or even love, that you need to know.

Reason $1). Why men leave relationships: The Pleasure Principle

Men and women want to feel good in their lives and in their relationships.If you're constantly freaking out on a man about something he?s doing or saying, you're quickly turning into a person who isn't fun to be around.He just won't feel that good around you.This has a huge impact on whether or not he'll want to invest more time and energy into you and your relationship.Or, if he'll decide to give up on trying to fix what?s going on so you can both feel good together.

Reason $2). Why men leave relationships: Emotional Experience and the Future

The way a woman acts in "little" situations become indicators to a man about how she'll respond when things really get tough in the future.So if a woman is constantly emotional or negative, even when a man does what he can to "reassure" her... he isn't going to believe things will get better the longer he's with her.He is going to feel as if he has to "walk on eggshells" around you, and that doesn't make anyone feel good about staying in a relationship.

Reason $3). Why men leave relationships: Lost Feelings of Attraction

Sure, love is important to a man.But experiencing those addicting and exciting feelings of connection and attraction with the woman he loves are just as important. Because when a man feels attraction and love,working out the little problems is a piece of cake.When he stops feeling that connection, he'll forget why he?s with you in the first place, and the relationship will start to feel like a whole bunch of "work" to him.

By the way, trying to "fix" things by talking about working on "the relationship" is a big mistake. A man wants to do fun and enjoyable things together not talk to know it's working.Sometimes a man will say he cares about you,or maybe even loves you, but he'll admit he?s not "in love" with you.If you've ever heard that from your man, it?s a symptom that he?s not feeling that gut-level of attraction for you, despite having affectionate feelings for you.

Creating that gut-level of attraction and sharing that attraction is one of the most powerful and important keys to giving a man his own reason for wanting to be with you, no matter what.I'm not talking about physical attraction,either.I'm talking about the emotional and intellectual attraction that comes from a deeper,more subconscious place.

Reason $4). Why men leave relationships: Neediness!!!

A man wants to be with a woman who brings something better to his life, not take away his time, energy and emotional "stability."So when a woman doesn't have much going on for herself or her life BESIDES the relationship,it's a big red flag to the man.It tells him she focuses too much on the relationship as the source of her happiness.

She stops hanging out with her friends as much, she stops focusing on her own interests or hobbies and she feels "controlled" by the relationship in some way.This not only looks "needy" to a man, but he realizes she isn't bringing a lot into the relationship on her own.

How can you tell you're guilty of this? Have you ever said this to yourself after a
break-up:"I can't believe how I lost touch with my friends while I was with that guy." "I can't believe I let him control me like that." "Where did my life go?" "What happened to the real me? I wasted so much time in that relationship, when I could have been doing things for myself or my future."

The reality is that no man and no relationship can or should be everything to you.You shouldn't have to sacrifice all your time and energy on a man.And the point is, he doesn't want you to. At least, no mature, "together" man will want you to.Controlling, psychotic men? Well, that is another story.

Reason $5). Why men leave relationships: "She's Trying to Fix Me"

A man can and will change and compromise for a woman. It's a fact.I see it all the time when men let go of their "bachelor lifestyles" for one special woman.But a man has to have his own reasons to change. A lot of women try to change a man by
showing him how it will affect them as a couple,not him alone.

People are motivated by things they want, not by things others want. If you want a man to change, you have to try to show him how it will benefit him and him alone, not you or your relationship.Just remember, if a man is deeply committed to you and your relationship and he isn't feeling or experiencing too many of the above "reasons" for leaving, then any issues you have will feel like small bumps in the road to him.He'll be confident, open, and secure about working things out with you.

P.S.
One more quick question;What's your biggest frustration with men, relationships and dating? Do you find it easy to meet men, but hard to keep their attention and interest as soon as things start to get serious?

Are you wondering how to approach your boyfriend about commitment, because you've been together a long time now and he isn’t bringing it up on his own? Are you worried that the man you're with will cheat on you?

I actually put together a list of "Top ten "questions that I most commonly get from women like you, who are wondering how to get past certain "bumps" in the road when it comes to their love lives.Find out what to do in each of these situations, and see if your specific relationship or dating is worth you think it should be.

Sadly, many women will go their entire lives without ever experiencing true love and connection with a man they care about. I don't want you to be one of them. This blog will show you exactly how to find the love you’ve been waiting your whole life to find and do it in a way that will make you feel good inside because you'll know that you're giving yourself and a man what you both Really want an attractive, happy, and together woman. I personally guarantee it.

I will talk to you again soon.Keep on Dating There is someone out there for
everyone.Best of luck in love and life!