Monday, January 18, 2010

He "Needs Space"- What It Really Means

Do you know what it means when your boyfriend gets quiet, "zones out" and acts like he doesn't want to talk to you? One minute everything feels great and you're laughing and connecting and the next minute some weird "mood" comes over him and he goes off into his own little world.

Or maybe your relationship is chugging along at full speed, getting closer and closer, and suddenly you feel like YOU are the only one reaching out and connecting...and he is just sitting there? What's up with that? Why do men do this?
If this has ever happened to you, I want you to know that it's critical for you to know why - and what to do about it and what to avoid doing at all costs.

I need you to pay attention here;Because this is important,How you react in a situation like this can mean the difference between him knowing the one woman who can make him happy, or feeling unsure about the future of your relationship.Let me know share a question I recently received from a reader about a situation just like this.
$$$$$$READER'S QUIZ$$$$$

Dear Duken,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost one year and we are very serious about each other. We are even talking about marriage and we have already moved in together.So what's the problem you ask?

Even after all this time, I still find myself trying to figure out what he's thinking sometimes.Sometimes he's a mystery to me, why he does and says some of the things he does, and this scares me a lot and makes me crazy since we are so serious about each other.

For instance, sometimes he just gets quiet and won't talk to me. And it doesn't have to be anything going wrong like a fight or anything for this to happen.He says that he needs his alone time, but I sense that it's because of something I have done that makes him shut down. I'd really like to fix it if I could. I wish I knew how to read these things better or if I even should be reading anything into it at all. Help me out? ...S*

$$$$$ MY COMMENT $$$$$$

I can help you.First of all, I have some good news for you.You can relax.From what I'm hearing about your situation, there is nothing abnormal or wrong with what is happening between you and your boyfriend.

The fact that he's telling you he needs "alone time" doesn't have anything to do with how he feels about you and your "serious" relationship.It has everything to do with how a man approaches relationships, his own "down time" and the "up time" when he is with you.

Many women believe that when a man acts "disengaged" it is because he's not happy, or he's unsatisfied, or he doesn't want to be with you and wants to be with someone else.Not so!As a matter of fact, thinking that there's something wrong with the relationship when a man gets quiet is one of what I call the "Man Myths" that a lot of women believe about men.

The way your boyfriend is behaving is typical and to be expected of a man in a relationship.It doesn't mean something is wrong...for example:Has your guy ever done this? Made plans to spend a night alone with "the guys" after several intense and romantic days with youGo and "zone out" in front of the T.V. or computer after dinner or after a long conversation with you, and acts irritated when you try to interrupt him

Spend huge chunks of time on weekends tinkering around the garage or working on his hobby and not engaged or interested in spending time with you

I'd bet that he's done this more than once and when he does, what do YOU think about what's going through his mind?Do you start wondering if he's angry about something you did or said, or is somehow disapproving of you in some way?

Do you wonder if he cares LESS about you in that moment, or is questioning your relationship? Do you start to talk yourself into feeling, "ok, well he's into his own thing, so I'm going to go off and be into mine."

Or do you think, "well I need to fill my time with other interests since he is OBVIOUSLY not interested in spending his precious time with me."

If you find yourself thinking any of these things, chances are pretty good that you're reacting to him in a way that sends a very negative message - a message that is guaranteed to send him packing or push him away from you.

That's because you're reacting to a myths that you heard somewhere about men - that men really don't care about spending quality, intimate time with women.Ok,I'm a man and I am going to say that again and in all caps because I can!


What's worse, though, is that by believing the myth that men need alone time because they don't care about you, or would rather not talk because they're disapproving of you in any way is probably causing you to behave in a way that is destructive to your relationship.

Let me explain.You wrote in your email that you feel scared and a little bit crazy when your boyfriend behaves in a way that is a mystery to you.

What if I were to tell you that men have a completely different way of unplugging and decompressing than women do...and that for a man,to spend time alone without talking or having a "deep" conversation is his way of relaxing and getting back some of his mental energy.

And yet you interpret it as meaning that he isn't engaged with you in some way.
The thing is, if you're punishing him in some way for doing things that are actually normal and natural for him as a man, such as needing alone time or time to zone out and decompress, then what you're actually communicating to him is that you don't understand who he is.

And if your man doesn't think that you understand him, then of course he will disengage!You just want him to be exactly like you.But that's not what you really want, is it?
While it's true that there are fundamental differences in men and women, such as the way they decompress and re-energize, it's also true that they have much more in common than you think.

Most women I talk with don't realize that men and women aren't really that different.Look at the list below. Do these sound like myths to you? Actually, they are truths about men and how they feel about relationships.

Men may not admit this readily, but for most men, when they decide that a woman is TRULY the woman for them, it is because she has met these criteria - maybe not all, but definitely most.

She makes him feel cherished.She makes him feel her desire for him, so he never feels unattractive, insignificant or unimportant.He feels safe and secure in the relationship.She makes him spontaneous and fun in a way he hasn't felt like since his youth...and feeling things that can't be planned in a relationship, just like you.
I will talk to ya again soon.Keep on Dating There is someone out there for everyone.Best of luck in life and love!

No comments:

Post a Comment