It’s always easy to find reasons to avoid sex: you’re exhausted, not in the mood. There are a thousand things running through your head that merely thinking about it drains the life out of you; or you just don’t feel sexy anymore. Having sex is simply out of the question to a lot of women who is recovering from childbirth, dealing with hormonal imbalances, or fighting with a spouse. Is there a way to ignite passion amidst the stresses of everyday life? Can one stay sexually connected during unsexy times? Simple arguments and misunderstandings can make one lose interest in making love.
However, it is crucial to sustain a couple’s sex life. When a couple makes love after an argument, both are easily pacified, thus, there is less damage to the relationship. Body language that says I’m sorry (such as an imploring look, a smile or even a tender touch) should not be ignored. Humour and laughter is a potent aphrodisiac—tickle each other while kissing or play-wrestle your spouse. It may feel awkward getting sexually connected after a fight, especially when you start to mentally go over the problem. Just take a deep breath and enjoy the moment—save the discussion for later.
Giving birth is no easy feat, but what ensues after childbirth is even more challenging. Taking care of a baby round the clock is exhausting physically and emotionally, so when you hit the bed, all you want to do is sleep. Many women also say that their libido is very low at this time and that they don’t feel sexually connected at all. Physiologically speaking, this is totally normal. A woman’s estrogen levels are extremely low after childbirth, and there is an increase in prolactin, which causes a decrease in the production of lubrication that makes sexual intercourse comfortable. Every woman heals differently; some resume sex after six weeks post birth, while others may take up to a year before their sex life goes back to normal.
A lot of couples complain that there isn’t enough time for each other during this adjustment phase of having a baby in the family. It is important for both partners to talk about their feelings—a husband may feel rejected if the woman isn’t up to having sex, so it’s important for her to explain the physical discomfort or anxieties that may hold her back. Hugs and kisses can do a lot to express love and affection, as well as back massages. After all, being intimate doesn’t always spell s-e-x. Perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms – hot flashes, weight gain, difficulty sleeping, short-term memory loss and decreased sex drive—can make a woman kiss her sex life goodbye.
On the upside, this can be a liberating time for a woman, because the danger of getting pregnant without birth control is suddenly eliminated. It is very important to be honest with one’s husband—warn him that there will be good days, and there will be days when he won’t be getting any. Make him understand that it’s not about him, and shouldn’t take it personally when you’re not in the mood. Vaginal dryness can cause painful sex, but there are water-based lubricants such as KY Jelly, as well as vaginal estrogen therapy or hormone replacement therapy if needed. Exercise was also found to be directly related to ease of arousal.
Perimenopausal women who were effortlessly aroused also exercised regularly as they aged. Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t always “ready to go”. A man’s robust libido may decline due to a number of reasons. This decline in his desire shouldn’t be taken personally and treated as a crisis. Talk about it but in a non-accusatory tone. He may not even be aware of it—a check-up should confirm if there is a thyroid problem, low testosterone level or increased prolactin (hormone that contributes to sexual dysfunction).
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