Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Myth of Choices And The Paradox Of Attraction

I'm always fascinated by the idea that we humans don't always understand the message that we're communicating to others...So often we think that because we want to communicate a message, that others are going to naturally understand what we're trying to say.

Have you ever seen a woman who dresses over-the-top sexy and wears way to much make-up? Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don't think that her appearance is communicating the message to men that she thinks it is”...?Yeah, I have too.

Well, here's the deal:If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” ... but he isn't open to the situation at that time, or he isn't attracted to you, then it's going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling for the man, that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.
The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of attraction. Once a man feels it, you're done. It’s over. It’s like hammering a railroad spike into the coffin.

Once a man feels the “Instant Ewww”, he'll start behaving differently. In short, he'll back off or even disappear. So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?I got it from watching women.

I have actually heard several women use the word “Ewww”, when describing how they felt about a guy that was “confessing his love”... and of course, these were guys that weren't loved in return by the woman.

Men do the same kind of thing with a woman they're not attracted to.

Often they try to be “nice” about it. They let the attention pump up their ego a bit, and then they create what is often an unconscious barrier in their mind, that closes off communication or contact with her.

And the resulting vacuum sound you hear, is what's happening as any attraction and interest he might have felt, evaporates.

So what causes the “Instant Ewww”?

And why would a man feel it, towards a woman who was trying to be nice... a woman who was giving him attention, a gift or telling him how she feels?

Because if you think about it from his perspective, you'll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you've created a turning point in the relationship.

Up until that point, you were harmless. I mean, men know when they are getting some “special attention” from a woman. And they usually know it from the beginning.

But now that you've started pursuing him and talking about how you feel, you've created a negative tension that can be very uncomfortable. You’ve triggered an emotion that can actually repel a man and make him even more detached from his emotions.
Here's the thing...

You can't “make a man like you” or “change how he feels about you”, by doing nice things for him. Doing “nice” things for a man who isn't attracted to you, hurts you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling, that makes it so he'll perhaps never like you.

Men are the worst at this, by the way. They make this mistake over and over again in life, because they're doing what makes sense to them. They're doing it, because they don't have an understanding of attraction.

I mean, if you have a friend and you like them, and you want to make them like you more... and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.
On the other hand...

If you have a man that you “like” in a romantic way, and he doesn't “feel it” for you, and you do something nice for him, because you want him to like you more, it will backfire... and he will not only not like you more, but he will most likely distance himself from you.
Women think that they need to communicate verbally when they like a man... as if that's part of the necessary process of getting a guy.

In their minds, it goes like this: Like him.Tell him you like him>He likes you
Well, remember... if you follow this pattern, yourself, with men who aren't already attracted to you, then it's going to backfire. If he's not into you, then it goes like this:
He thinks of you as a friend.You tell him you like him>He gets the “Instant Ewwws” and withdraws...


There are really two answers to this problem. The first answer, is what to do if you're in a situation where you like a particular guy, but you don't know if he likes you back. don’t get heavy with him.

Don't buy him a big gift, do something nice to show him how much you think about him or write him a love letter...Don't send him a note to his work that says, “From your secret admirer”.

Don't call him several times, without hearing from him. And don't confess your love for him. If you want to know how he feels about you, do something to attract him and see how he reacts instead of telling him you love him and hearing the crickets chirp as you wait for his response.

As a rule of thumb, don't get heavier than him. Use signals from him to find out how he feels... and if you don't know how to read and create those signals, then learn. Asking a man if he's interested in you in a romantic way, or if you are “his type”, will actually destroy the chances that his attraction and interest in you will grow.

Really. The second answer, is to not get into this particular situation in the first place. Avoid it entirely. And how does one do that? One does that by creating attraction from the beginning. One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of attraction triggered.

One does that by knowing what you're doing from the beginning. And what's the best way to learn that skill? I thought you'd never ask...Well, I've written about attraction before and I'll write about it again.

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